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Aug. 27th, 2024 08:56 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bathypelagiaI know I'm doing badly because reading news stories about Sven-Goran Eriksson's passing is making me cry
I'm not even sure if what I'm experiencing right now is anxiety or pre-emptive grief. I had another breakdown last night (this seems to be a weekly occurence) and ended up going on a walk with R to calm my nerves. We talked a bit about Bruce, and how we both feel like there's a clock ticking for him. The vet said he didn't think he was an end of life case but we both disagree. Bruce isn't really eating much, is a bit more subdued than he used to be. the changes are relatively subtle, but we know Bruce. We've known him for 16 years. He's not the same cat he was before the surgery. And we have to ask ourselves, when is it unfair? Is it better to be a month too soon than a day too late? We both think so. We're going to see how the next few days go. If he picks up dramatically, starts eating well again, that's one thing. If he keeps only picking at food and sleeps most of the day, that's another.
R said he's worried that if we do go down the end of life route, that I'll blame myself and tell myself I did it out of selfishness. Maybe I will, I don't know. Of course I said it would need to be both our decision. I won't choose without R agreeing. And I guess the other thing is - it doesn't put a full stop on my anxiety. We still have Leeloo, and he'd be an only cat. So I don't know that it would solve anything, except for the sadness and stress of watching Bruce deteriorate.
But he might improve yet. We'll have to see. In the mean time, jesus I'm tired of crying.
I'm not even sure if what I'm experiencing right now is anxiety or pre-emptive grief. I had another breakdown last night (this seems to be a weekly occurence) and ended up going on a walk with R to calm my nerves. We talked a bit about Bruce, and how we both feel like there's a clock ticking for him. The vet said he didn't think he was an end of life case but we both disagree. Bruce isn't really eating much, is a bit more subdued than he used to be. the changes are relatively subtle, but we know Bruce. We've known him for 16 years. He's not the same cat he was before the surgery. And we have to ask ourselves, when is it unfair? Is it better to be a month too soon than a day too late? We both think so. We're going to see how the next few days go. If he picks up dramatically, starts eating well again, that's one thing. If he keeps only picking at food and sleeps most of the day, that's another.
R said he's worried that if we do go down the end of life route, that I'll blame myself and tell myself I did it out of selfishness. Maybe I will, I don't know. Of course I said it would need to be both our decision. I won't choose without R agreeing. And I guess the other thing is - it doesn't put a full stop on my anxiety. We still have Leeloo, and he'd be an only cat. So I don't know that it would solve anything, except for the sadness and stress of watching Bruce deteriorate.
But he might improve yet. We'll have to see. In the mean time, jesus I'm tired of crying.
