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Sep. 2nd, 2024 04:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bathypelagiathe old man is gone and i don't know how to feel about it or anything else for that matter
it was right to let bruce go. i talked extensively with r about it. he wasn't getting better. he was confused and absent much of the time. this happy boy who loved food was barely eating anymore. he'd stare at the wall, and refuse to settle at night, and barely purred, and his breathing was still bad. we gave it a month and every trip to the vet was an ordeal for him because he hated travelling so much. it began to felt like we were torturing him. it was right to let bruce go, but my head still wants to tell me i did it selfishly, to spare myself the anxiety - in my worst moments, wanting to rehome him because i couldn't cope, and now he's dead, and my brain says well, you got what you wanted. i know it's not true. i know we did the right thing. he was 18 years old and growing frailer by the day. and i still have leeloo and the anxiety is still there so nothing is solved really. i think i just like to punish myself.
i can't believe i've lost 2 cats in 4 months. they're all old. we knew this would be their retirement home. but i guess we never realised it would be this soon. my brain also wants to tell me i'll be punished for this by making leeloo ill, because OCD is so logical. every time leeloo doesn't eat enough or acts fretful the panic spikes again. it remains to be seen how badly bruce's passing will affect this. i'll address it in therapy this week.
I know R is feeling down about it all and i'm not in a place where I can fix it or help much. I have asked him to seek counselling for it and he says he will. I think that will help. i wish i could.
still not sure I can face leaving leeloo over fantasycon. we'll see. a month is a long time, but also not a long time at all.
work continues to be a source of...not stress, since there's no fucking work, but depression i suppose. no direction. no certainty. just clocking in every day without direction. i'm getting paid to do sod all. it should be a dream but it's just sad. and having all that time to stew and ruminate doesn't help the anxiety. recent discussions indicate we may get seconded to write an existing IP, which should be reassuring but also it's not what i signed up for.
a friend i thought cared for me forgot my birthday. that really hurt. friend also hasn't said anything about bruce. i guess maybe friend doesn't know. ths friend has been busy lately and not around much, but i think this friend maybe stopped caring about me a bit when i wasn't in the same fandom anymore. which hurts a lot.
my parents & sister don't bother getting me a birthday gift any more i'm 38 so it shouldn't hurt but it does. my birthday was shit anyway since bruce was in hospital. i didn't do anything for it. it fucking sucked. last year's sucked too. maybe birthdays are just going to suck now.
other friends were kind and generous and made me gifts and sent me messages so i should be happy and i am happy and grateful, and it makes me feel more selfish that i feel so sad about the other things.
fandom friends are drifting away onto other things. the one friend i had into My Thing is going through a crisis of their own and probably won't come back to it anymore. even my one source of joy is falling apart. i don't want people to move on and leave me but i can't stop them and i shouldn't stop them. they have their own lives and their own crises and i can't even support them in their crises because i'm so focused on mine. so how selfish am i to wish i could keep them around, doign My thing, to make Me happy. sometimes I think it would be better if i deleted all my social media and just gave fandom up, because it makes me selfish. this is getting incoherent now, i'm sorry. I'm just really sad and don't know how to make it better, because it feels like everything I had is going away.
it was right to let bruce go. i talked extensively with r about it. he wasn't getting better. he was confused and absent much of the time. this happy boy who loved food was barely eating anymore. he'd stare at the wall, and refuse to settle at night, and barely purred, and his breathing was still bad. we gave it a month and every trip to the vet was an ordeal for him because he hated travelling so much. it began to felt like we were torturing him. it was right to let bruce go, but my head still wants to tell me i did it selfishly, to spare myself the anxiety - in my worst moments, wanting to rehome him because i couldn't cope, and now he's dead, and my brain says well, you got what you wanted. i know it's not true. i know we did the right thing. he was 18 years old and growing frailer by the day. and i still have leeloo and the anxiety is still there so nothing is solved really. i think i just like to punish myself.
i can't believe i've lost 2 cats in 4 months. they're all old. we knew this would be their retirement home. but i guess we never realised it would be this soon. my brain also wants to tell me i'll be punished for this by making leeloo ill, because OCD is so logical. every time leeloo doesn't eat enough or acts fretful the panic spikes again. it remains to be seen how badly bruce's passing will affect this. i'll address it in therapy this week.
I know R is feeling down about it all and i'm not in a place where I can fix it or help much. I have asked him to seek counselling for it and he says he will. I think that will help. i wish i could.
still not sure I can face leaving leeloo over fantasycon. we'll see. a month is a long time, but also not a long time at all.
work continues to be a source of...not stress, since there's no fucking work, but depression i suppose. no direction. no certainty. just clocking in every day without direction. i'm getting paid to do sod all. it should be a dream but it's just sad. and having all that time to stew and ruminate doesn't help the anxiety. recent discussions indicate we may get seconded to write an existing IP, which should be reassuring but also it's not what i signed up for.
a friend i thought cared for me forgot my birthday. that really hurt. friend also hasn't said anything about bruce. i guess maybe friend doesn't know. ths friend has been busy lately and not around much, but i think this friend maybe stopped caring about me a bit when i wasn't in the same fandom anymore. which hurts a lot.
my parents & sister don't bother getting me a birthday gift any more i'm 38 so it shouldn't hurt but it does. my birthday was shit anyway since bruce was in hospital. i didn't do anything for it. it fucking sucked. last year's sucked too. maybe birthdays are just going to suck now.
other friends were kind and generous and made me gifts and sent me messages so i should be happy and i am happy and grateful, and it makes me feel more selfish that i feel so sad about the other things.
fandom friends are drifting away onto other things. the one friend i had into My Thing is going through a crisis of their own and probably won't come back to it anymore. even my one source of joy is falling apart. i don't want people to move on and leave me but i can't stop them and i shouldn't stop them. they have their own lives and their own crises and i can't even support them in their crises because i'm so focused on mine. so how selfish am i to wish i could keep them around, doign My thing, to make Me happy. sometimes I think it would be better if i deleted all my social media and just gave fandom up, because it makes me selfish. this is getting incoherent now, i'm sorry. I'm just really sad and don't know how to make it better, because it feels like everything I had is going away.
