(no subject)
Oct. 2nd, 2024 02:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bathypelagiaassorted things i feel guilty about
that we got bruce's paw print but not wilson's (it wasn't offered, or maybe it was and we were too in shock to process it, but we don't have it)
that of our 3 cats, the only one left behind is the one bonded to me, not to R
that R is having to deal with my irrational moods and even more irrational fears even though he's grieving too
all the emails i haven't replied to because i've felt paralysed
all the friends i haven't messaged, or checked in on, or been able to support during their own hard times because i'm so selfishly focused on mine
that i feel sad that people aren't around for me when they have their own lives to live
that i feel left behind when other people's lives aren't about me
that i am this sad when all I lost is 2 cats, meanwhile other people lose parents, and children, and partners, and friends
that i deactivate twitter and go into social media hiding when i'm sad because i feel like a black hole and a burden instead of just pushing through and trying to be better
that i respond to other people's sadness with numbness and inability to step up and help
that i feel fear when other people step up in my place because what good am i if i can't be helpful and supportive
that my response is fear at being forgotten and not compassion, because i am fundamentally selfish
that nobody misses me when i'm gone, and that i want people to miss me at all
that i'm manipulating people into missing me
that i'm a worse person than i realise in so many ways and i'm doing nothing at all to fix it
that i'm still grieving
that i put all this effort into therapy and i'm still not sure i can stomach going to fcon next week
that i haven't put any work into organising any of the panels i'm supposed to be moderating
that i feel lonely but the thought of being around that many people is terrifying
that we got bruce's paw print but not wilson's (it wasn't offered, or maybe it was and we were too in shock to process it, but we don't have it)
that of our 3 cats, the only one left behind is the one bonded to me, not to R
that R is having to deal with my irrational moods and even more irrational fears even though he's grieving too
all the emails i haven't replied to because i've felt paralysed
all the friends i haven't messaged, or checked in on, or been able to support during their own hard times because i'm so selfishly focused on mine
that i feel sad that people aren't around for me when they have their own lives to live
that i feel left behind when other people's lives aren't about me
that i am this sad when all I lost is 2 cats, meanwhile other people lose parents, and children, and partners, and friends
that i deactivate twitter and go into social media hiding when i'm sad because i feel like a black hole and a burden instead of just pushing through and trying to be better
that i respond to other people's sadness with numbness and inability to step up and help
that i feel fear when other people step up in my place because what good am i if i can't be helpful and supportive
that my response is fear at being forgotten and not compassion, because i am fundamentally selfish
that nobody misses me when i'm gone, and that i want people to miss me at all
that i'm manipulating people into missing me
that i'm a worse person than i realise in so many ways and i'm doing nothing at all to fix it
that i'm still grieving
that i put all this effort into therapy and i'm still not sure i can stomach going to fcon next week
that i haven't put any work into organising any of the panels i'm supposed to be moderating
that i feel lonely but the thought of being around that many people is terrifying
