ruminations, thoughts on CBT as applies to the Situation

[bathypelagia]

please don't expect any coherence from any of these entries it's literally just brain dumping

rumination #1: taking Bruce to the emergency vet again today because his breathing wasn't great and he'd stopped eating. at this point it's not really about diagnosis - we know why it's happening, his chronic URTI has flared since his dental surgery, he's too old to fight it off as well as he used to, and if he can't smell his food, he won't want to eat it. that much is known. and so we're in a scenario where either the infection resolves and he goes back to normal, or it doesn't and we're going to be constantly ferrying him back and forth for checkups and treatment, which is itself an issue. Because Bruce *hates* the car. We give him gabapentin which seems to placate him for one journey, but then he's drooling and pooping and pissing in his carrier the other way. it really stresses him out, so the constant back and forth feels like an extra cruelty. And if the latter scenario is true, at what point are we prolonging his life beyond a quality baseline? How can we tell? The vet said he doesn't look like a cat ready for end of life care, and I think that's probably true - he's lost a bit of weight, is a bit more doddery than he was, but he's not at present suffering unduly. But at what point does 'constant discomfort and up & down days', at his old age, become unfair?

Uncertainty is my big problem here. It's the core of my problem with all of this stuff with the cats. There is a certainty that some day they will both die. I do not know when that will be, or how much suffering will happen on the way. So I don't know what is preventable. If someone could tell me definitively 'Bruce is not going to recover from this, so letting him go sooner rather than later is the right call' i would obviously be heartbroken but i would deal with it. Because prevention of suffering is in my control. The outcome is in my control. And I can prepare accordingly.

The same is true of Leeloo. It's possible that the stomach issues he had a few months ago were an anomaly that won't repeat. It's also possible that they will. It is this uncertainty i find intolerable. waking up every day wondering 'is this going to be a day of panic and vet visits?' And the therapist is right: I can't live in that zone all the time. I can only deal with what is evident right now. If things seem fine, then I must assume things are fine. Tomorrow is a different day. but I am struggling to find that peace. And every time Bruce has a bad day, it becomes harder to put myself in that place. Because today, right now [hypothetical; today is *not* fine] may be fine, but I feel like i must always be alert, always in control, always aware. I have to Know when something is going to be wrong so I can prepare. Which is impossible. I recognise this. And yet.

CBT worked well with my previous OCD episode because it was predicated on highly irrational things: if I change my earrings A Bad Thing will happen, etc. So the model works well here, because it requires me to interrogate these causalities. This is different inasmuch as The Bad Thing i fear keeps happening. This is why the therapist is focusing more on tolerance of the unknown than the previous focus on 'how do you know Bad Thing will happen', which makes sense. I guess it's just a difficult thing to wrap my head around because it's new, and because the wound keeps getting poked every so often. Obviously i'll need to mention this on Thursday in my session, because it's not helping with me having 'alert' as my baseline. I barely slept last night, which makes it even worse.

My therapist suggested we do some work on core beliefs, rules and assumptions (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yw1p9YlZKEU). I am open to everything at this point. I just want to feel better. But I don't know how helpful this is in the sense that - well, ok, i'll try it:

rules: i must always be vigilant and aware of the fact that my cats can get sick at any time

assumptions: if i'm not vigiliant i'll miss signs and they'll get sick
                          it's my responsibility to prevent and treat sickness in my cats
                          they are old and have been ill before so it will happen again
                          if i leave the house for too long i might miss signs and come back to something bad
                          if i leave the house for too long they might get stressed and it will make them sick
                          if i leave them in someone else's care and they get sick it's not fair on that person
                          if they keep getting sick, i will be unable to cope with the stress

core beliefs: i'm stumped on this. is "my cats are going to get sick" a core belief?


i keep circling back round to the "I have to rehome them" thought. This is avoidance, and I know it is: I am trying to absolve myself of a responsibility i find stressful, frightening and difficult. i have this awareness of myself. I have always had a fear of responsibility in this sense. I got a cat at uni when i was 21 and rehomed her with my mum a few days later because the anxiety of responsibility was too much. Here, it's a bit different. I've had Bruce for 16 years; I had Wilson for 15, and have had Leeloo for 12. (I say "I", I mean "we" - but solely taking on the responsibility and stress of these cats isa thing i keep doing, even though I left them with R four times already this year, for a week at a time, and also my sister for 2 weeks, and everything was fine. ah, but my brain says: that was before they got sick. it's different now.) I have never once before felt this same terror of responsibility with them. It's a new thing. I think it's pretty obvious that Wilson is the catalyst - i felt like I'd dealt well with his death at the time. And Bruce & Leeloo both getting sick soon afterwards has reinforced that fear/anxiety/poked at the wound some more.

rules: i have to rehome my cats to put a stop to my anxiety

assumptions: i can't cope with the constant uncertainty
                          they are going to get sick again and it will continue to affect me negatively
                          i can't relax or feel safe with this responsibility weighing on me
                          i can't leave them alone for any period of time any more in case they get sick
                          if this keeps happening it is going to adversely affect my health

core beliefs: i guess "I'm not strong enough to handle this responsibility anymore"

the thing is i fucking love them. i adore them. that's part of the problem. when bruce is sick and needs care but leeloo is fretting and fussing for attention, it spikes my anxiety. when one of them doesn't eat as much as usual, it spikes. when leeloo uses the litter tray, it spikes, out of fear he'll have a tummy bug again. if I don't clear their food away quickly enough, or let leeloo eat anything but his special diet. or leave R in charge of their feeding - this last one hurts especially because i do trust R, but my control and anxiety won't allow me to relax unless i'm in charge. And the proof is there! he cared for them for 4 weeks this year on his own, and nothing bad happened. Because he can care for them! but again: the little voice that says "it's different now, they were sick so everything's changed."

And that's before we even get to the magical thinking elements - if i think about my blorbos at night to relax, it will directly cause something bad to happen to the cats the next day. this one *is* irrational as hell and yet i haven't been able to shake it.

anyway so this is where i am right now. i'm still struggling. i do not want to struggle. i want to be the person i was in February when i went to Hokkaido and left my sister confidently in charge of their care. But I feel like I can't go back to that. I feel like the only way this will end is with the boys passing away, or me giving them a new home. both of which feel so dreadfully selfish it just makes me feel like utter shit.